Don’t HOld Back

by Susan Carr

(R to nc-17)


Copyright © January 2005
Disclaimer: All non-original characters herein belong to persons such as Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN, WB, etc, etc, etc, rather than me, myself and I. All Watchers characters belong to CN Winters and the wonderful Watchers staff. No compensation is received by me, only the pleasure I take in writing it.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse:
Feedback: Always welcome.
Spoilers: Watchers: Episode 205 – True Colors
Author’s Notes: Thanks to DragonWriter17 for the beta. This one was written on the road.
Pairing: Willow/Rowena

Summary: Rowena makes Willow keep her promise.

Rowena absently shut off the bathroom light as she walked into Willow’s bedroom. A small smile graced her lips when she saw the calm face of Willow as she pretended to be asleep.

“I know you’re faking,” she said as she crawled into bed, pushing the bedcovers aside so that she could see Willow more clearly in the candlelight.

“Am not,” the witch denied in a small voice, her eyes still screwed tightly shut.

“Yes, you are,” Rowena insisted as she slid close to Willow. She sighed happily as Willow’s warm body embraced hers.

“Okay, fine,” Willow said, opening her beautiful green eyes. “Maybe just a little.”

“A little, then,” Rowena said and kissed Willow deeply.

The two women had spent many nights together like this – kissing, cuddling, hugging. Making out with Willow, Rowena giggled to herself, like a teenager exploring the joys of sex for the first time.

She supposed she was like a teenager, she thought, as she continued to share a deep, soulful kiss with Willow. But Willow was so different from Jordon. He had only taken, but Willow gave so much. Rowena could always feel every ounce of Willow’s passion, even in a simple caress.

The redhead had by this time rolled on top of her. Rowena could feel Willow’s hands sneaking under her light tank top, gently questing without demanding. With a push and a squirm, Rowena wiggled out of her top and delighted in Willow’s appreciative smile. Willow sat up then gently caressed Rowena’s breasts. Rowena’s breath caught at the touch.

“I don’t know why I even bother putting it on,” Rowena teased. “You somehow always manage to get me out of it before the night is over.”

“Of all the things I’ve ever been accused of, loving a woman’s breasts is one I’ve never denied,” Willow replied.

Willow gently pulled on Rowena’s nipples until they stood tall. Rowena arched her back with a slight groan.

“Can you…?” Rowena asked, putting her hands at the base of Willow’s top. “I want to feel you on me.”

Willow nodded and quickly stripped her shirt off. Rowena ran her hands up Willow’s torso until she was cupping Willow’s petite breasts.

“I…” Rowena began and paused as she felt Willow’s nipples stiffen under her palms. “I don’t think I’ll be able to deny such an accusation either.”

Willow chuckled low in her throat and then bent down until their nipples kissed. As Willow’s lips once again caught hers, Rowena got lost in all the wonderful sensations.


She had promised herself that it wouldn’t happen this time. She was going to enjoy what Willow was doing to her so much that it simply would not happen. She had even started to believe it because when Willow slipped her hand under Rowena’s panties and began to gently caress through her wetness, Rowena had thought the stars were exploding. But now, moments later, she thought she could smell the dry odor of old, musty books, and her body stiffened with a violent spasm as if trying to throw off Willow’s touch.

Willow removed her hand, moved slightly to the side once again, and enveloped Rowena’s shaking body.

Much to Rowena’s relief, the trembling stopped after a few minutes. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

Willow just shrugged and gave her a small smile. “Hey now,” she teased. “You know that old chestnut about lovers saying they’re sorry.”

“Are we lovers?” Rowena questioned, propping herself on one elbow to look at Willow. “Even though I can’t…?”

Instead of answering, Willow allowed her smile to turn sly. Rowena’s eyes widened as Willow lifted her still-damp hand and lovingly licked Rowena’s juices from her fingers.

“I’d say most definitely,” she replied when her hand was cleaned.

Rowena’s body had flared into arousal while watching Willow. This reaction pleased her; she felt joy at doing better after the panic attack. Now she was just curious.

“Do you like that?” she asked, her chin pointing at Willow’s hand, which now rested lightly on her hip.

“Well…because it’s yours, I like it especially much,” Willow answered as if she sensed Rowena required a more complete response. “But, yes, I like the way women taste, even myself.”

“Yourself?” Rowena exclaimed. While she had thought much about how Willow tasted – and don’t forget that single moment when you wondered about Althenea, her frantic mind interjected – Rowena had never thought about tasting herself.

“Oh yes,” Willow said certainly. Then she leaned closer as if to whisper a secret. “And there is nothing more sexy than kissing a woman after she’s gone down on you.”

Rowena eyes grew larger as she processed this bit of information. Willow’s eyes did the same when Rowena moved her hand under the waistband of her own panties.

Without taking her eyes off Willow, Rowena ran two fingers through the wetness that the panic attack had failed to keep at bay. She removed her liberally doused fingers and placed them on Willow’s lips, gently painting them with her moisture. Rowena watched in fascination as Willow’s lips puckered slightly and her nostrils flared in appreciation.

Moving forward, Rowena replaced her fingers with her lips, first smelling and then tasting her own arousal. After a moment of surprise, her mouth opened, and she eagerly licked the remaining wetness from Willow’s lips.

“Hey, Mikey!” Willow joked after Rowena had finished. “I think she likes it!”

Both women burst into laughter, the earlier tension washed away in the catharsis, leaving behind love and – to Rowena’s astonishment – passion.

She thought about that for a moment. She knew that her love for Willow grew stronger every day, but her desire for Willow was also growing – by the minute, it seemed. She kissed Willow again.

Rowena knew from previous nights that soon they would both succumb to sleep, both languishing in the pleasure they shared. In fact, Willow’s caresses were already beginning to slow, as if in expectation of their waning wakefulness. For Rowena, however, a lingering sense of guilt remained.

Her senses were still filled with the aroma of her own arousal, and she could also smell Willow’s – it remained as sharp as her own, and Rowena knew Willow remained unsatisfied.

Rowena thought back to the two weeks she had spent in Devon at Althenea’s cottage while the high priestess patiently allowed Rowena to pull herself together. In a not-so-subtle gesture, Al had set up a video player in the guest room and had left an alarmingly large collection of mainstream and soft-core movies – all with a lesbian theme. For a religious cleric, the woman has no shame, Rowena mused in her mind as she remembered the sheer number of films there had been.

At first, Rowena had refused to even look at the boxes neatly lined up on the dresser. Eventually, Rowena’s curiosity had gotten the better of her, and for the rest of the visit she had stayed up late into the night, patently ignoring Al’s smug looks in the morning.

To assuage her inner virtue, Rowena had initially stuck with films that starred actresses she recognized. Her heart had pounded with excitement with Bound, and her mouth couldn’t stay shut during Gia. She had wondered during High Art just when the hell Ally Sheedy had learned to act, and she had laughed hysterically throughout Better Than Chocolate. She had sobbed along with Vanessa Redgrave during If These Walls Could Talk 2 and skipped to the good part during Desert Hearts.

Only once had she ventured into the soft-core movies, and that had been for a terrible film entitled Pillow Queen, a term referring to a woman who only allows her lover to pleasure her and never returns the favor.

Rowena thought about how patient Willow was, how kind and gentle, never demanding, and always happy with whatever Rowena could give. She remembered their conversation from a few days ago and smiled to herself at the thought of unselfish Willow ever being a pillow queen.

Her sleepiness pushed aside in a fresh burst of desire, Rowena rolled her body on top of Willow’s and pressed her thigh between Willow’s legs, seeking the warmth that she knew waited for – and yearned for – her touch.

Willow’s body arched up into hers, the redhead’s own drowsiness dissipating in an instant. Rowena slipped a hand under Willow’s buttocks and pulled downward on the waistband of her panties. Before she could complete the maneuver, Willow’s eyes opened in surprise, and her body dropped back down, trapping Rowena’s hand between her warm flesh and the slightly cooler sheet.

“Ro?” Willow asked, searching Rowena’s face.

Rowena returned her gaze. In her girlfriend’s eyes, Rowena could see desire, apprehension, and something else – hope.

“Can I take these off, please?” she asked. Then she grew bolder and added, “I want to make love to you.”

Willow blinked in surprise. “Are you sure? I mean…what about…?”

“Oh no,” Rowena said ruefully. “One panic attack a night is enough for me, thank you very much.” She paused and then continued, “But…I love you, Willow, and…and I…well, I want you!” The tips of her ears pinked slightly in embarrassment, causing Willow to smile. Rowena buried her face in Willow’s neck and nibbled playfully. “Besides,” she said, popping back up and looking down at Willow. “You promised…no holding back.”

Before Willow could answer, Rowena’s boldness faded, and she moved off Willow and to the side. “I mean…I know you promised, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I mean, you don’t have to want – ”

Willow stopped Rowena’s rant by putting a hand to the back of the blonde’s neck and pulling her down into a searing kiss.

When she finally let a dazed Rowena go, Willow said, “Of course I want to, Ro. I love you so much.” She gave Rowena a serious look. “But promise me you won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with, even if you think I’d like it. Believe me, I will love anything you do…simply because it’s you doing it. Okay?”

“Okay,” she replied, her mouth drying up as Willow gave her a sweet smile and then, with a smooth move, removed her panties and lay back on the bed. While Willow was looking at Rowena, her posture seemed relaxed, but Rowena could sense the tension, and she hoped it was with anticipation.

Even though she had seen Willow’s entire body – had even touched it and played with it – it was never from this perspective and not after a two-hour make-out and petting session. Her heart pounded as she realized that Willow was giving her that beautiful body to do with as she wanted, and Rowena felt a surge of love run through her. Willow seemed to feel it, too, as she held out her arms.

“Come here,” Willow said, pulling her lover into her embrace.

Rowena gratefully sank into Willow’s arms, her body thrilling as she touched Willow’s full nakedness for the first time. For a moment, she wished she dared remove her own last barrier of clothing, but instead she once again rolled her body on top of Willow’s and pressed the redhead into the mattress with her weight.

“You feel so good under me,” she whispered, pulling away from Willow’s mouth to run her hungry nibbles along Willow’s neck.

“Oh, god,” Willow breathed.

Rowena felt an internal leap as she realized that Willow was indeed not holding back.

Moving down, she took one of Willow’s nipples between her teeth and gently bit down. Willow gave a small cry of pleasure, and Rowena could feel the blazing heat against her leg. She quickly realized that a two-hour make-out and petting session was indeed enough foreplay. She decided it was time to head for her goal, and with a playful nip to the other breast, she sought further down.

Willow’s legs opened up to allow her access, and Rowena was greeted with a fresh whiff of Willow’s arousal. Rowena was surprised to discover that her mouth was watering.

“Oh Willow,” she sighed, her breath causing the soft skin of Willow’s thighs to rise in gooseflesh. “You are so beautiful.”

Willow gave her that sweet smile she loved so much and looked down her body at Rowena, her face patient and loving.

Rowena faltered for a moment, unsure of how to begin. As if sensing her hesitation, Willow moved one hand down and, with two fingers, gently spread her moist lips in invitation. Rowena’s hands moved on their own and spread Willow open even further. Willow’s hand rejoined its partner, crossed behind her head, allowing the witch to watch what her lover wanted to do to her.

Rowena felt no pressure from the gaze, only the deep love they shared, mixed with a healthy dose of lust. She knew that if she decided to go no further this night, Willow would be perfectly content.

Rowena herself wanted more, though, and she returned her attention to the sight before her. With her fingers holding Willow open, she used her thumbs to probe even deeper.

Labia minor, her clinical mind supplied as she spread wide the folds that were slick with desire. Vagina, she thought as she ran her right thumb over the opening, gathering even more moisture. Clitoral hood, she mused as she pushed back the hood with her left thumb to reveal…

Clitoris, her lust-filled brain gibbered before shutting down completely. She felt the vibration running through Willow’s body as she pressed underneath the organ with her right thumb to expose it even further to her gaze. Willow let out a low and deep groan that Rowena could feel in her own clitoris.

“Oh, I like that sound,” she whispered, and in hopes of inciting a repeat, she placed a gentle kiss on the exposed bundle. She found Willow’s answering moan equally satisfying.

After that, Rowena’s senses were filled with Willow’s taste, Willow’s smell, Willow’s sounds, Willow’s all. She delighted in the knowledge that it was she who was giving Willow so much pleasure. Her heart pounded as she dared tiny experiments – at times, using her tongue to gently caress the walls of Willow’s vagina, and at others, wrapping her lips around Willow’s clitoris and not-so-gently sucking on the bundle, causing Willow to cry out.

She lost track of how much time had passed until she glanced up at her lover and saw that Willow had surrendered herself to the pleasure Rowena was giving her. She could see that Willow’s body was taut, ready for release. As a final experiment, she inserted two fingers into Willow’s depths, seeking out that mysterious patch she had read so much about. To her astonishment, Willow’s body stiffened, and she cried out. No, that was a scream, Ro, and she’s screaming your name, she told herself. She was surprised even more when a strong spurt of moisture, thinner than Willow’s usual wetness and more pungent, erupted from Willow’s body. As Willow collapsed against the bed, Rowena blinked stupidly for a moment and then smirked when she realized what had happened. Thank god for research, she giggled to herself.

With a low chuckle, she crawled up Willow’s body and waited until the prone witch finally cracked an eye open.

“Wow, eh?” Rowena laughed and then yelped as Willow, apparently having regained her strength, flipped them both over and began devouring Rowena’s face, licking up any lingering trace of herself. Finally satisfied, the exhausted witch collapsed on top of Rowena, and the blonde hugged her tenderly.

“I love you,” Rowena said, the words meaning so much more now.

“I love you, too,” Willow said and then chuckled. “Gods…that was amazing. What has Althenea been telling you?”

Rowena laughed. “She did give me a few pointers here and there, but I think that was mostly love.”

“Yeah, I’d agree with that,” Willow mumbled into Rowena’s neck.

“So I guess I rocked your world?” Rowena asked playfully. Suddenly, she realized that she couldn’t wait to do it again – here…in the training room…in the computer room. Oooh, the library!

“Rocked my world?” Willow repeated in an are-you-kidding voice as she lifted up her head to look Rowena in the eye. “I think we better go make sure Andrew and Tracey aren’t getting in trouble again.”

Rowena laughed and then said softly, “Thank you, Willow.”

“Thank me?”

“For not holding back,” she answered.

“Oh,” Willow said, finally understanding. “You’re very welcome. And I hope that one day you’ll be able to not hold back either so that I can show you what you just showed me.”

“Soon,” Rowena promised. “I love you.”

As Willow wrapped her arms around her and entangled their legs together, Rowena tried to remember a time when she felt so happy, but she fell asleep before she could.

The End


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